Cutting History Free

Haven’t felt that orange in a very long time. Decades, probably. 

Have been out to red a few times, but not that intense orange.

For me, deep, intense orange burns more. 

It’s, of course, old childhood meaning-makings that have the noxiousness come up. 

The trigger is being asked to do something that I can’t find a “this makes sense to me” in me.

Especially from someone that I have a lot of value about.

Not that the thing being asked to do is not logical, given a particular POV.

Not that I can’t do it.

Not that my head will actually explode.

It’s that the thing isn’t a carrot that makes sense to me. 

Nor is the motivation in doing it.

Yes, yes. 

It’s my BOS providing me with both the “lack of sense” about both the thing and the reason for doing it. 

Yes, I could occupy another character that doing this thing would make sense.

Yes, there is no character that is “me”. 

AND

Whomever this character is that I am now, I don’t want to do it.

Not from a logical POV.

Not from a philosophical POV.

From a felt sense, in my body, in congruence POV.

I don’t want to do it.

Very difficult to let go of, “Oh, what will this important person think/feel/do with me if I don’t do what they want me to do. Really want me to do."

I don’t know if they really, really, really want me to do it.

That’s my meaning-making.

AND

This is the place that I want to be. 

I don’t want to eat sushi. 

That’s the simplest, IRL example I can come up with. 

I don’t like sushi.

I could learn to like sushi.

I could eat sushi.

And I don’t want to.

Not for a philosophical reason.

Not for a growth reason.

Not for doing what another person wants me to do reason.

There are plenty of areas of being human that I don’t want to explore.

But you’ve asked so many people, and continue to ask people, to do the 180. 

For growth purposes.

For de-self-identification with the Primal Character purposes. 

For exploration purposes. 

I will continue to do all of that. 

And if it doesn’t make sense to you, tell me, “Nope.”

I’m fine with that.

It’s your life. 

As it is my life.

I get to try to have the life that I want to have.

Feels sad, in a way, to cut that tie to my parents. 

To stop trying to please them.

To stop fighting them. 

To cut the dinghy with their corpses free and watch it drift off as I chart my own course. 

I believe that Jane and Max are very happy not to have them dragging along. 

As am I.